a story of two years...

i'm so concerned with what i look like from the outside

will i blossom into what You hope i'll be

yet You're so patient just to help me see

the blooms come from a deeper seed that You planted in me

sometimes its hard to grow when everybody's watching

to have your heart pruned by the One who knows best

and though i'm bare and cold, i know my season's coming

i'll spring up in Your endless faithfulness

with my roots deep in You, i'll grow the branch that bears the fruit

and though i'm small, i'll still be standing in the storm

'cause i am planted by the river by Your streams of living water

and i'll grow up strong and beautiful

all for Your splendor, Lord

so with my arms stretched out, i'm swaying to Your heartbeat

i'm growing with the sound of Your voice calling

You're bringing out the beauty that You have put in me

for Your joy and for Your glory falling

raise me in Your love, O Lord

raise me in Your power

with my roots deep in You, i'll grow the branch that bears the fruit

and though i'm small, i'll still be standing in the storm

'cause i am planted by the river by Your streams of living water

and i'll grow up strong and beautiful

all for Your splendor, Lord!

these lyrics hit me square in the jaw... literally. 547 am on sunday, may sixth... in my car on the 277 inner loop heading to yet another morning of weekend rounds and SLAP or SMACK or flat out K-O PUNCH or whichever interjection you choose to use. that is what happened. and here i am compelled to pass on the reason...

(the reason i tell this is not to gather praise nor pity... this is one simple story among millions of victories... of freedom... of how our feeble, human minds cannot comprehend life or what Life has to offer... of how hope always has solid footing when grounded in our Creator regardless of the darkening depth of our crevice or blazing oppression of our desert... it is just a small story in the grand scheme of things... a story that makes a big difference to me)

a year plus a little more ago, i started making some big decisions... prayerfully, of course.

job, house, car, kids... okay, maybe not all THAT, but the job and house were big decisions :) i gave up all i knew and moved closer to and farther from family at the same time. a new job meant new responsibilities in a new place with new people who were *on average* twenty years my senior. once quite busy, my social life suddenly became manageable consisting solely of taking my dog to the dog park (where she freely ran and treed squirrels while collecting nasty deer ticks the size of bottle caps every tuesday and thursday) most sundays, i would church hop and pray to land in a welcoming body of believers... too many days, i worked late to avoid eating dinner at a table alone. too many of those days became a habit. the habit lead to burnout. add in some less-than-desirable conflicts and you have: no community + burnout + emotional fatigue = (any guessers?)            misery.

at least that is how i felt. miserable. for the first time in my life, i found myself failing to thrive... i was "that kid" my entire life: the one who made the good grades and every started on every sports team and sailed through college and mastered graduate school before a quarter of a century old. forget failing to thrive, at this point i was failing. i poured more of my empty self into the areas i wasn't succeeding. fatigue and resentment poisoned my outlook on life. i lost control of some control driven areas of life... principally, my diabetes. i shutter to think about the number of times i flirted with and skirted by physical death during those days.

when the opportunity arose for me to return to the comforts of home, i took it. life didn't get better, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel... more appropriately, a line to signal the end of the misery race. during a family vacation... a come to Jesus, if you will... my family sat around a table and cried as we opened up our innermost selves to reveal more than our "everything is great here" conversations. i listened intently to the other four and spoke up when time allowed or i had something pressing to say. honestly, i think i was more concerned with what i was going to have to say... or hear... or do.

(i pour out a great deal of stuff here... i would dare say that my words here are NEVER said aloud to anyone. perhaps, i fail to be authentic with people face to face. perhaps, my conversations with people always have me on a listening end. perhaps, and far more likely, i don't like to talk about me. ever. not even to my family. there is one person in this world who knows "me." the real me. the ugly on the inside me... the full of questions and trying to find just one answer me. she was not in this family circle.)

so the roll of paper towels passed around the table (the kleenex ran out with the first sister's turn) and as dad finished, all eyes looked to me. red and swollen, expectant and yearning for me to join the honesty. i wanted to so badly to say, "i'm looking forward to my new job. looks like its bedtime. lets go!" but i just sat there. voiceless. scared. in this circle of love and support, i was scared to say even the tiniest thing that may hint at my self-depricating attitude or destructive habits or the secretly obvious fact that i was failing at life. so dad says, "erin, i'm worried about you." and i say "me too, dad."

i opened up just enough to say "me, too" and my words and tears spewed out like you wouldn't believe. they listened and cried as they maybe understood for the first time the fight i had been fighting with my entire life... they understood the physical disease but not the laborious task of living "with" it. steps were taken to save me... i confessed i did not know if i wanted to change because i did not know if i was worth it (can you hear that broken voice... if not, you should see my face as i type it.) my dad said, "if you don't love yourself enough to do it, erin, do it because you love me." and he wept.

i don't want you to get the wrong idea, here. i grew up in a great home. we laughed and loved and i would not have changed it for the world. my happiest times are with my family... hands down. i did everything i could to get my parents to smile... they would smile at me regardless... smiles were un-earned :) but to see my dad weep for me, on my behalf, rocked me more than i even fully appreciated in the moment. i knew i had to change... it wasn't for me, though. it was for my dad.

my sister left her life in the windy city to live with me as i worked through years of habit. we made a "contract" outlawing my emotional eats and tasty temptations. ( you think twice about eating a doughnut when it has a $40 price tag, trust me) she broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years and i broke up with arby's, hardee's, sonic, krispy kreme, and taco bell. i'm not sure if there was a clear winner in that battle :) i had a partner fighting with me... an accountability ally in my fight to get right. after about a month, she had lost 8 pounds and i had gained 10. her quiet times were great, mine were dry and dutiful. she started dating her would be husband, my relationship completely dissolved... you get where i'm going with this... jealousy started running rampant. i could not understand how my decision to "do better" turned in to her benefit over mine... it wasn't hard for her to follow the contract. i was dying DAILY! i was bitter and frustrated more than ever before. i wasn't doing this for me, remember. i was doing it for my dad. my coping mechanism of emotional eating was obliterated by a monetary punishment. my ally abandoned me to be a girlfriend. i was alone in a fight that i did not want to fight. i had a bad track record of losing this fight... i was not trying to jump on the fail train again...

i just needed a small sign of something improving... of my hard work paying off... just something small... just three days of good numbers... that became my prayer. "just three days, God. give me three days of numbers that reflect my efforts. please."

we signed the contract on september 1, 2011. on may 4, 2012, i had my first-ever, consecutive three day period of no blood sugars over 180! (!!!!!!!!!) oh, i celebrated... eight months after i decided to make a life change, seven months after praying that prayer, 196 days of "failure" all melted away because God gave me a glimpse of good, a hope for better. i loved myself for sticking to it.

i.

loved.

my.

self.

i wrote a letter that day. i'm going against my better judgement and will share it...

oh diabetes, my disease and my burden for so many years, you have robbed me of my joy. you have stolen my hope. you have destroyed and wreaked havoc on my days. today, i am ending the stronghold, ending my captivity, reclaiming my freedom which i believed to be gone forever. You are a sneaky little devil, forcing me to lie from such a young age that success was to be found in masking feelings, in seeming strong- invincible, even, and in refusing to ask for help. while i thought i was living in spite of you, you began to weave insecurities through complicated lies that required a system of created false truths and empty securities. you lied to me, you lied in me. you made me believe i could not live a strong and complete life apart from you. deception is your name, disease, and you made me good at your game. guilt has finally overtaken me because i have learned to call you out for what you truly are.

i cannot continue to fight this losing battle of self-sacrifice for saving face. far from a white flag, this is a declaration of freedom... a call for a true fight in which i am already the victor. so come at me-
i will attack you with truth. i will cry while staking my claim over you, but i will rise above. tears will not make me weak. lies will not stop the truth, as firmly ingrown and a part of me as they are. this fight is worth it because i am worth it. while i still cannot state this as strongly as i wish, i am worth this fight and overcoming you. my life is worth it. i was created to be more than a body in which you could have your way. your days of control are over. your reign as master of my body has finally been overthrown to my true Master... my Kinsman Redeemer.

and you should run. we are on a hunt to destroy you  and all your baggage. the junk you have force-fed me will be painfully and freeingly purged. you have no claim on me, no claim on my future. you cannot... can no longer... cheat me of the life i have been called to live.
i will work to remove the memories of failure, the feelings of defeat, the mindset of incomplete and broken. you created that shadow of me- that lie that i have slowly adopted as my identity. you should fear me, for i have seen glimpses of my authentic self and have chosen to rebuke you in me and choose life.

for this is the truth... i was created to bring glory to my God. how can i do this while living in a collection of strangling lies that hide my insecurities and make it impossible for His strength to be seen. i have lied to myself, mistaking my comfort of habit as a reliance on His strength. that it has taken me this long to realize this shatters my soul... this time, instead of running from His compassionate judgement, i am standing in His light and praying for exposure of your every dark claim in my mind, my heart, my sould. you are losing this time for good. you will not continue the cycle of minimal change to further retreat into a killing cycle of ignorance and apathy. my Savior has spurred a life saving miracle that will require a strength you have not seen before... a grace that is more powerful than  any lie you can tell... a compassion more welcoming than any food... a reaffirming view of myself that will grow into love which will render your lies mute.

i have been awakened to truth, to hope, which requires your grand exit. believe me when i say, i understand that our dependent relationship will be hard to sever; but hear me when i say, i am leaving your domineering desire on every action and constant need to lie. that pattern will not continue from this day forward. you have lost. i am victorious from this day on. hard work will happen. 
i will be free of you. i already am.

but for the days i forget my stake of victory... for they will surely come... remember this- i hate what you have stolen. i hate the lies you have imbedded in me. i hate the lifeless hollow you have made me become. i will not return to captivity. i will not cover lies with lies. i will not defend you. i will not give you the smallest nod in overcoming what you, yourself, have made me. i am greater than you. you, truly and honestly, no longer define me or my success. i am free from your stronghold because i finally understand that you have been holding me back. i cannot be free, i cannot experience life without losing what i have clung to as comfort. having been exposed as the life-cheat that you are, you are no longer welcome to feed my need for self-created comforts. my hope, my coping mechanisms have changed forever. i am living in freedom of reliance on Christ alone.

nearly a year after i started this post, i am still taking steps to grow. i am still blossoming. i am still being pruned... now, publicly and unashamedly... because this reflects the power of our God. this displays His hand of love and mercy. for my God covers me in grace when i cannot supply it to myself. His love brings redemption, His love brings salvation. my newly defined life will echo this story and exemplify all that He has done and is doing in me. amen

happy day to you all :) gladly, i make a solid return to this wonderful outlet of release...

i recently read an article in which a man described his hiatus from all things tech savvy and social... email, texting, mobile phones, social media... he avoided them all for the better part of four months. he came to realize that there was more satisfaction in meeting with a person face-to-face or taking the time to stand in one location connected to a land line to speak with his grandmother. he reconnected with his true friends and let the social crowd fade away from his conscious efforts to interact with his community. it was a pretty remarkable take on my generations dependence on technology to interact with people. i took it as a challenge to wean myself from my "comfort community;" and while i realize that my phone will never be turned off or my email ignored for more than 12 hours, my virtual friend group will be replaced by physical connections.

i have been thinking what this will mean... i mean, i am not going to be nearly as drastic as the other guy, but still- this will take a serious commitment. some sacrifice. no more sitting on my couch pretending to know people. no. i have to be intentional... be present... be human...

i'm kinda excited. no facebook. no non-work emails. lots of road time. lots of meals with friends. i may kick out tv for the heck of it (minus, of course the dvr and an occasional ballgame)

i have a stack of books to read- some work related, some self-work related :) i am sure my newly created time will allow me to actively participate in life...

we'll see~

down on grandma's farm...

... there is a big, black cow. down on grandma's farm there is a big, black cow. moo-oo, moo-oo, moo, moo, moo...

bless you if you read those words and knew the song behind the words enough to hum your way through it :) i am currently living on a farm on the outskirts of a major metropolis of north carolina with several black cows (and red ones and a few white ones and one brown cow), goats, sheep, and a llama. there is the typical farmhouse cat and a flock of geese floating in the backyard pond. i believe the setting would be pretty much perfect if it included a/c retaining walls and a television... but perhaps it is perfect just the way it is...

i have a lot of time to myself here. strike that, in the free time that i spend here (not all that abundant or frequent) i don't have much to distract my typically over stimulated thought process. *that could be a good thing... or that could be a not good thing* i have often found myself randomly singing songs from my childhood- such as the one above...

winnie the pooh, sing-a-longs, disney movies, hide-em in your heart songs, etc... they have all flooded my subconscious in recent weeks. given that i don't really have many people to talk to on this solely inhabited acreage with little cell reception and slow internet, and given that it may be slightly frowned upon to make small talk with the animals (unless you are dr. doolittle, which i am not) i am completely okay with the fact that sometimes i sing songs audibly and alone just to hear some sort of noise echo off the walls.

i am amazed sometimes by the simpleness of life on the farm... the quietness, stillness... the tranquility that is locked behind these fences and doors which preserves a way of life only known to those generations ago... i commonly reflect on this theme... i wonder how i can love the quietness but crave the sound; how i am very much at home in the wild grass pastures yet disconnected from my agricultural roots and the life i could have easily lived... perhaps you think this is nothing. perhaps it is nothing...

i have this stark contrast in my life right now. amid multiple stressors of relocating, selling a house, starting a new job, taking on new bills, making large life adjustments, i work in a concrete jungle and live in the middle of farmtown, usa. there is a sense of congruency missing from my life.

i guess that it has been like this for sometime... it is just more evident now...

sunday i sang a song in church. i was supposed to sing this duet almost two years ago, but it never came to be until this week. the song was "Jesus i am resting, resting." as i prepared for it, i couldn't help but notice the irony of the moment. *tangent- when i choose a song to sing in church, i like to choose a message that relates to my life OR has a message i believe others need to hear. either way, i have to be in a place where the words of the song mean something to me, personally. i can't fake a song purely to sing it... if that makes sense* so the words of this song have been filtering through the speakers of my car for about a week, maybe five days... i repeated the track and rehearsed the verses countless times (i only sang two verses) i love the song and i love the words in the song. i love what the song has to say, even with its "thee's, thou's, and thine's" but there was a small disconnect with my mouth, head, and heart. small may be a generous term regarding the true depth of the schism...

the song was written in the 1800's sometime. we upped the musical presence of the song to include a good beat of electric guitars, keyboards, and synthetic drums. but the words stayed the same... the message remained intact...

the house i am living in now was built in the 1800's. the song i recently sang was written in the 1800's. i find it hard to believe that "resting" was such a struggle in those days compared to the huge feat it seems to be now... this concept of rest, resting in Jesus, learning His goodness and trusting His heart it isn't a new struggle for humanity...

the third verse of the song was omitted in the version i sang. it is the verse that probably means the most to me and enabled me to sing the rest of the song sunday with honesty and purpose. it says, "simply trusting Thee Lord Jesus, i behold Thee as Thou art. Thy love so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart. satisfies its deepest longings, meets, supplies its every need. compasseth me round with blessings. Thine is love indeed." *translation, for the non kjv'ers out there* simply trusting Jesus as Lord we are able to see Him for who He is, the awesome degree of love He showers on us... this love that meets our every need, our every longing, our every craving- it doesn't change, wane, or bear grievances. it blesses my socks off and blows my mind while filling my greatest desires and surrounding me with more than i will ever need. that is love... that is the love found in Jesus, in trusting Him, in resting in His goodness...

i have to go to bed, so i will wrap this up. sleep is a wonderful thing. rest is an even greater concept if we learn how to do it. if it was a struggle in the 1800's- an age without the technological vices that suck our lives away today- how much greater of a struggle is true rest today. i'm okay to live in a incongruent stage for the moment. coming home to a house without my normal techie blankets of security may allow me to find a deeper sense of rest... a true sense of rest...