desperate cries, somber times

there are times that we all need to experience the lowest of the lows so that we can truly understand the beauty and mercy found at the highest of highs... there are things said, things expressed, during these low times that enable us to reach a new point in our souls... pits, maybe, are still increasing the capacity of our souls....... we find ourselves in new positions *familiar, but not identical to those in which we have previously found ourselves* complete pronation before the throne of grace, glory and love... somehow flattened more than we thought we could ever be. complete abduction of both shoulders- stretching almost out of socket just to expand our exposure- pain shooting through our fingertips hoping to catch the slightest breeze of God's movement in our expansive stance... heads thrown back... heads bowed forward... sometimes a combination of the two... on our knees... on our face-- all positions of reverence in front of a God bigger than anything we are facing.

there are times our hearts are moved to cry out in praise when the rest of us feels nothing... times when we find ourselves incapable of truly relaying our desired message to Abba Father. we are trapped in bodies unable to praise *in a worthy enough way* the One who created the idea of praise and our desire to do so even when we feel limited by our methods...

there are efforts to climb out of the pits and valleys... lunging our through the terrain only to discover we are walking in circles and spinning down deeper into the crater... we are not content to sit still, we are not prepared to give up the fight and plant our roots... it is here we find ourselves wasted and empty, depleted and numb... we fall and lay the way we landed...

... landing here and staying here praying to be restored...

... and we wait for restoration. knowing that we have done and are doing all we can, resting in the faith we have been accepted into and taken as our own... it is here i find myself today- hands raised, head thrown back, tears streaming, red faced, weary, broken, and depleted of all things self... it is here i wait...

i wait trusting that His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness... i will attempt to be glad in my weakness, to boast of it even, because then i know the power of Christ will rest upon me... i will be content in these hard times, in this period of weakness for the sake of Christ. why? because when i am weak, I AM is strong... and when I AM is strong, so too am i...

... let me feel it...

how many names?

i have been struggling a little bit... living by yourself can be a hard thing to do, especially when you are used to college dorms and rambunctious sisters. school is picking up big time, and i feel like i could drown any given week. its the mental side of it... knowing everything you have to do- everything you have to grow up to be... overwhelming, yes... impossible, no...

then i stumbled across this little excerpt from on of my most favorite books:

"when i live like i'm privileged, i have lost the plot. in other words, when i start acting like i deserve a certain outcome or a higher standard of life, i have failed to strike the fatal blow to self and am living like i actually have rights in this world apart from God. when i am demanding, i have lost the plot, insisting that God and others meet my needs on the timetable that i see fit. when i act pompous, i have lost the plot, thinking that i am somebody while only proving that i haven't had a good look at God today. when i crumble under the pressure, i have lost the plot, declaring that the outcome of life rests squarely on my shoulders, not His. when i start protecting, i have lost the plot, marking turf as though it were actually mine and forgetting that everything i have comes first from above. when i crave the spotlight for myself, i have lost the plot, losing sight of the story line and the one true Star. when i fail to celebrate the success of others who are living for His fame, i have lost the plot, thinking that possibly we are on different teams when we actually share supporting roles the same story. when i dwell on feelings of being unloved, unnoticed, or insignificant, i have lost the plot, abandoning the miracle of knowing God on a first-name basis." ~louie giglio, i am not but i know I AM

knowing that i know I AM... knowing that i know that i am not I AM... gosh, that takes off some pressure, yeah? and that made me think of this song by nichole nordeman. Elbow Healer, Superhero, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper, my Best Friend, Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker, Holder of my hand, Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer, Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer, Lord and King, Beginning and the End... I AM :) wow, how little are we?

this isn't really an "introspective look into erin's head" blog today... this is a sharing of erin's heart-

what do you do when you don't want to do what you are supposed to be doing?

i am supposed to be studying for a pharmacology exam (ra, oa, gout, constipation, diarrhea, ibs, ibd, nsaids, and opioids) it isn't really all that fun, DEspite what you may think when you read over that list...

there are very few things that excite me more than new music... i decided to update my blog music for your benefit :))

its on the left :)

i got really bored trying to study for a pharmacology exam... [note the word trying]

i hope it encourages you as you read along! enjoy~

what do i know of Holy?

as i was driving home from a long *long* day of school yesterday, i was feeling defeated. the return to school from a five day weekend wasn't particularly pleasant- especially since we had a make-up class before a test i didn't feel prepared to take before a pharmacology lecture on laxatives and anti-diarrheals... the whole day felt like crap *:)* actually...

so yes, i was driving home... traffic was unusually thick... i had an hour to make it from school to home *to change and eat* to church... i was impatient and discouraged- i had more important things to do than sit in the never ending red lights of monroe!!!

and then i heard my radio, as if it hadn't been on my entire drive, i heard my radio say, "what do i know, what do i know of Holy?"

... what do i know? that day, i felt like i knew nothing at all... what did i know of holy? that day, i felt like i knew nothing of Him at all... i answered the question out loud after the feminine voice posed the lyrical question- "nothing" and quickly pushed the repeat button on the dash.

we had talked about psalm 139 in church and sunday school this past sunday i didn't pay much attention to the sermon, but i had been dwelling on psalm 139 most of last week to prepare for class --> God forming us and knowing us so intimately... God's allowing us to see Him as the Creator of all... the Creator of us all... the mystery behind His creative hands... and His allowing us to understand how great He is... to the point that when we try to grasp His magnitude we lose whatever grip we had on the vastness of God and fall into the 'mind-blown' human minds that hold us all prisoners...

"if You touched my face, would i know You? looked into my eyes, could i behold You? what do i know of You who spoke me into motion? where have i even stood but the shore along Your ocean? are You fire? are You fury? are You sacred? are You beautiful? what do i know, what do i know of Holy? i guess i thought that i had figured you out. i knew all the stories and i learned to talk about how You were mighty to save, but those were only empty words on a page. then i caught a glimpse of who You might be; the slightest hint of You brought me down to my own knees. what do i know of Holy? what do i know of wounds that will heal my shame? and a God who gave life its name? what do i know of Holy? of the one Whom the angels praise? all creation knows Your name. on earth and heaven above, what do i know of this love? what do i know of Holy?"

i guess it kinda hit me wednesday afternoon that i was falling once again to see the greatness of God once more... spinning as i fell... amazed by everything i saw above me, everything i thought i had almost understood........ it was the most beautiful, most comfortable fall i have had in a long time

the sun was red that afternoon as it was setting *one of my favorite things ever* a piercing shade of red that penetrated my eyes and soul... i think it was my gentle landing... definitely an "on my knees" landing~

the day didn't seem so bad after that. it all felt very small. very, very small... kind of like this 'little i'

what do you know of Holy?

impenetrable echo

i challenged my sunday school class/shepherd group today to pay attention to the new ear concept... drawing from mark 4 (the parable of the sower) and other gospel accounts of this parable (specifically matt 13:16 and luke 8:11) we had a wonderful conversation, full of laughs and moments of thoughtful silence. i think older generations would be amazed at the occasional wisdom of the present college/recently graduated generation... there is a Mighty Power at work in those devoted to Him *please pray for their continued devotion!*

while planning this lesson, i read multiple versions of this passage... the traditional niv says in mark 4:9 "he who has ears to hear, let him hear." the message puts the verse this way "are you listening? really listening?" and i fell in love with Jesus all over again in those five words...

the reason- here, Jesus shows me that He knows my heart so well... through His words to His disciples, Jesus speaks to erin! becaaaaaause erin sometimes pretends to listen... having mastered "listen with your eyes" i have somehow managed to miss "listen with your ears" or "listen with your heart"

the esv explains that listening *in this case, having ears to hear* involves surrender of pride and reliance on self... it is an act of submission... like abraham's servant placing his hand under the his master's thigh, acknowledging abraham's strength and authority. to understand the parable/to hear the parable, we have to submit to listen.

i think i have talked about the whole idea of passive and active listening before, so i won't continue to talk about which one is more worthwhile

my future profession requires me to listen... and to listen well... failure to listen to my patients in front of me could result in the largest of all consequences- death. could that not also be true of their spiritual health?

this is what i have learned, as a facilitator of healing... a teammate of the Great Physician... my job is to have a constant ear forward to both my Father's Spirit as well as my patients' concerns. i guess now is as good a time as any to work on that remapping process...

new year, new ear?

so my computer just forgot the 'y' on year, and it became "new ear"

it could be a random failed strike of the keyboard OR it could be a little more significant than that... what if we had a new ear for the new year (not really the purpose of this post, but i am going to explore some things here... go with me)

what if this year we lived life with an intentional ear forward... if we chose to listen solely to those around us rather than the mental diarrhea telling us of everything we have to do in the days to come... what if our new ear was more aligned with the Spirit of God and His pullings on our heart... can you choose to have a new ear?

if you could, i am sure my dad would take it... make that two :) he can't hear very well, but he is one of the best listeners i know!! imagine what he could do with new ears...

ears are really complicated. they come in multiple variations and sizes... big, small, pointy, smooth, attached earlobes, dangling earlobes, pierced, chained, hairy, smooth, functional, non-functional, etc. and they have this bizarre system of transmitting vibrations into recognizable sound bites *with some help of the brain* so maybe 'new ear' needs 'new brain' to enable it to work to its potential...

because the brain is more than thoughts... it is actions, memories, plans, directives, senses, and on and on and on! it is so much bigger than the three pounds of mostly water that we imagine soaking up information within our hair-covered skulls. if your new brain adopted a Christ-centered approach to actions, memories, plans, directives, senses, etc with your new ear in-tune with God's Spirit, what would happen in your life? and the lives of those around you?

forget the pay it forward theory, this one would change the world!!!

okay, so where did this all come from? we are taking a class this semester that is challenging us to relate concepts of brain and mind and the influences each has on the other. as part of the class, we are required to keep a blog on our thoughts. if you would like to follow the spider-web of my thoughts, you are more than welcome to do so here. it may be fun :)

my posts here will not be as frequent, but i will do my best to keep you all on your toes...

clothes to fold, kitchen to clean, assignments to do... oh the joys of life!!

i hope you are all having a marvelous start to the new year... i challenge you do adopt the "new ear, new brain" theory this year... see what happens~