the gift of growth

i completed my loan exit counseling yesterday... i think that is one of the big steps of growing up- actually seeing what you have physically borrowed, how it has grown, and how much responsibility you are about to take on- whew boy! i could easily become overwhelmed if i focus on the numbers... i could maybe cry about it today... although, those tears could stem from a variety of things at the present moment- the root of which is the simple fact that i am growing up and i am not sure i am ready for it.

prepared, yes... ready, maybe not so much... there is a difference today.

let me tell you how i am growing up... aside from the loan thing, i met with human resources and talked about 401k's and health insurance *:/ really? do i need ALL that* i will (soon) be responsible for the lives of countless people *that's grown up* i drove home the other night and had the heat on the entire way home *i'm never cold and it wasn't all that cold outside, that is an 'old people' thing* i cooked, ironed, and vacuumed one day last week before sharing a lunch date with a stay-at-home mom *oh.my.word... more power to those of you who do that* i am emotional and moody and tired and losing control of a lot of things right now *perhaps i should monitor my own thyroid function* yet the saddest part of it all- i am okay with all of these changes

in theory...

it isn't like i am trying to change them... it isn't like i can... it is almost instinctual, really. understanding that new responsibilities require certain changes in personal choice- rolling with the punches and dodging what i can while managing to keep my hands to myself and not throw any of my own... i did stomp my feet in a pitiful attempt at a temper tantrum the other day in front of a wise woman who plainly said, "i'm used to a lot worse." (i've never really been the big temper tantrum type) i guess i am just shocked that there is virtually zero resistance on my end to these huge piles of grown-up tasks looming on the horizon...

when did that happen? did i just wake up one day and say "today, i will accept being a grown up" and if so, when? i feel like it has happened recently, but i can't quite nail it down...

growth has been on my mind a lot lately... how we grow from two tiny cells into something of substantial and selfish mass... how we learn to do some pretty phenomenal stuff at blazingly fast speeds- muscle control, nerve pathways, body language... how we form personalities that influence our decisions and friend choices... how fast it all seems to go when others watch... and how slow it seems to feel as we wait to grow ourselves...

it is a continual process... its an elevational line... you can't really 'grow-down' right? you can fall down and grow as you get back up... but i digress-

i talked to a good friend of mine yesterday... we haven't been friends that long (maybe 2 years) and we rarely see each other, still we 'know' each other- she's like another sister to me. she is fun and feisty and very, very real... yesterday, she spoke some truths into my life like only she could do... well, pretty sure God used her to say some pretty great things to me. things i knew but things i needed to hear *isn't it cool how you can know something and say it over and over again but once someone opens her lips its like a brand new fire-breathing truth lighting a fire under your tail* maybe that is just me today...

i realized a growth process was taking place during that one conversation... i was awakened to a stretching in multiple dimensions and had the pleasure of watching it happen- i love how God can see us in a place of perfect contentment *good word, i don't care what you say* and say "watch this" and stretch us to a new definition of fullness... make us more full when we thought we were overflowing... it is truly awesome... *speechless for a moment*

so after this phone call, i went over to my other family's house (so thankful for that loving environment!) i walked in the door wearing a pair of yoga pants, a hoodie, and my ancient book bag. i was makeup-less and my hair was up in a messy ponytail... not the picture of a soon-to-be professional... at all. and a comment was made to that regard... "erin, you look young today." "how young?" i asked. "early twenties... you just look little," said she. i wanted to tell her i grew up a little bit; i wanted her to see it... but i also needed to hear that i was still very small. i wanted to hug her neck for that :)

because i am...

very small... very tiny... very capable of more growth...

i'm a planner, a goal-focused get what i want planner- self proclaimed. God in His great mercy and love has allowed me to chase dreams that He has created in and for me. i know that He has it all and opens me up for new experiences daily as my trust in Him continues to swell... swelling trust is a cool concept if you think about it. i see the marshmellow in the microwave or the home-made bread sitting out to rise... both concepts require an element of change... both of them require heat, actually... in chemistry, the symbol for heat is a capital delta... a triangle... in medicine that same triangle means change. you have to have some element of change in the system to get a new result...

we have to have some element of change to swell our trust, to grow our person, to accept new gifts...

and because growing, for us- members of Christ's body- is a continual process, we are exposed to change continually...

maybe that is why i am okay with all these new changes in life... perhaps this is the underlying reason i am not fighting the wind and waves of this new sea of adulthood... i'm going to resist the resistant self-serving attitude of youth and grow with the flow...

i like that... grow with the flow...

"you think about that" hahaha :)

what i wish i had known...

let me back track right quick like...

hey! it has been a while- i do apologize *seems to be a trend* but alas i am still alive and well enough to journal this next installment of an incredibly stale blog. all is well here on the homefront. life is good. life is changing, but life is good :)

back to the title of this over-due post: i tried to post something the other day... something that just rocked my world to the point that i had to share it with you... but apparently you can't be signed into multiple gmail accounts at one time *that is what i wish i had known* THUS that post in all its grandeur was lost. i am going to briefly repeat myself just because i think it is worth sharing...

i am nearing the end of my pa school journey. all the hard work, heart-strain, and sleepless nights are behind me *i think* and the only real thing separating me from that 'certified' status is a six hour national certification exam... so i've been told. i am currently completing an online class entitled pance prep ii. the title isn't all that important- it is the second installment of the physician assistant national certification exam (pance) preparation course- but i got to thinking about that word "preparation" the other day... how the last 26 months have served as my preparation to sit for my boards and practice my profession... preparation.

the word comes to mind when we think about cooking times, athletic competitions, major exams, acceptance speeches, maternal nesting habits, retirement portfolios, hemorrhoid ointment (you know you just smiled) the list goes on... preparation is part of our drive to succeed. i decided to look the word up the other day- probably secondary to some last ditch effort to procrastinate- and this is what i found with help from merriam-webster: preparation is a noun first used in the 14th century... it means the action or process of making something ready for use or service OR the process of getting ready for some occasion, test, or duty. that is the primary definition... nothing to write home about there... the second definition- a state of being prepared.

i mean, naturally, i had to go look that one up... prepared. you know what it means? sure we all know how to define the word, but its true definition *whew* "subjected to a special process or treatment... give me some freedom in definition substitution here... preparation=a state of being subjected to special treatment.

*ca-ching... money in the bank* this is what hit me hard then and equally as hard as i repeat it. the definition just free-lanced by word substitution gives us a passive action image... being subjected to.

it isn't about making sure we, ourselves, are treated in a special manner. it isn't us creating a special process that makes us far superior to those around us... it is a passive phrase, a passive pattern, a passive position DEFINING the active state of preparation. preparation takes work, correct? that makes it active... which is where this gets even more beautiful.

quick recap... i feel like i am moving fast, but i am just trying to keep up with my thoughts... preparation is an active state defined by a passive verb, but you know what else that verb is? present tense... it is actually a passive present continuous verb... did you catch that? one word at a time... PASSIVE- PRESENT- CONTINUOUS...

being subjected to special treatment.

in our active state of preparation- doing all we can do to make ourselves ready for the tasks, trials, and duties at hand- we are still defined by that passive state where we can continuously find ourselves subjected to His special treatment. there isn't a past or future implication here... it is present tense. it doesn't rely on our actions... it is a passive tense. it isn't going anywhere... it is continuous...

and i guess it just hit me really hard how one little word that i have seen all my life could have such a big meaning... especially to me at this time- where my entire scholastic career hangs in the balance of my preparedness to sit for boards, where my ability to perform my duties will be tested on a daily and hourly basis, where i will invest and plant my roots and prepare for future seasons of life, where i have so many questions depending on that one word... preparation. ultimately, am i comfortable with the amount of preparation i have developed? can i be?

after this little word discovery practice, there is no way for me to logically feel ill-prepared... you know? if i am, it more than likely relates to my wanting to rush things or take on more than i should. at this point in time of my life, i need to stay in the present and stay in the passive and rest in the Continuous. that is how i am meant to be prepared. and being prepared is all the preparation i need...

i didn't really intend to make this brief recap the entire post, but words just continued to come. i don't have a filter when i put these out there... i don't think i should... i do, however, think it is time to sleep. there is still studying to be done *that is my active duty, hahaha* but there will be no fretting over the large 6-hour, electronic monstrosity glaring my way... i am prepared for that, for certain :)

hope that train of thought could be followed...

and if it could, then get a kick out of this... synonyms for prepared: set, fit, ready, and go. if you can't see power in the words there, i'll help you. we are subjected to His special treatment that we may be set, fit, and readied to go. dang, i love God.

on the fridge...

every so often my dog does something- something quite hilarious- something that belongs on a movie- something marley or marmaduke would do... something that leaves me running to the bathroom in fear of wetting my pants :) she did this the other day:

my kitchen is set up like most kitchens in my cookie cutter neighborhood... garage door leads to the kitchen right beside the fridge. my dog is sitting in front of the giant ice box licking the door, whining and talking to the fridge like it has some idea what she is trying to communicate. i just stand there with my head tilted as if to say "dog, what are you doing?" she continues to engage the fridge in some sort of bargain that has been going on long enough to develop a drool track down the front door. she acknowledges that i have come home by looking back-left at me but her tongue stays glued to the fridge... i'm pretty sure i know what she wants. this is her sign that "hey lady, i'm hot. i want some ice!" so like the good trained owner that i am, i give into her signal. i make her sit and hand her a handful of ice... it scatters all over the floor as she pounces and chomps the frozen solid to her little hearts content. my heart smiles to watch her excitement- almost a dance of victory... i continue to unpack bags of groceries, carefully stepping over frozen puddles that have started to form. before i know it, mayzers is back in front of the fridge- licking the door, gnawing at the handle, whining and singing for its doors to open. the same scenario plays out... she looks at me with these big brown eyes and her best puppy face- tongue still plastered to the door... again, i give in but not without thinking *gotta love it when you have this light-bulb moment, you know* i put myself in her shoes...

what is my ice? my fridge? my actions in front of my fridge? because i came to the conclusion, that we all have to look like that *at some point* to God... wanting something so badly that we just sit in its presence all day long whining and groaning for what lies behind the quick-seal doors... we are so bad at waiting, so quick to lose our patience, so zealous in our efforts to show Him that our lives are not complete without THAT thing... and this question just kept coming back to me: what is it that i am waiting for, knowing that it will fill some inner longing and empty place in my life, that i can't get off the fridge?

when i look at my dog, i see a lot of myself *not that i look like her, i don't think* i would assume this happens a lot with children as well... any living thing dependent upon a master/parent to provide... i think they all share similarities when it comes to our reliance on God's provision... like my puppy, i so often notice the fact that God is near- that He has come to meet me in my pitiful state of want. like that dumb dog, i can't really seem to give Him my undivided attention when i know He sees me. i am so stuck to what i want...

see the other half of the story i didn't tell was that in my bags of groceries were dingos, a new toy, and treats... things that supply nourishment and fun beyond the empty, fleeting 5 second substance of floating water. things that didn't melt... things that didn't create a bigger thirst... substantial things that i wanted to give her. and i guess this is where God and i are so very different *thank goodness He is so much better and bigger and any other great adjective there is* see, i gave maybelle the ice both times she acted in such a manner and put the other things away. saved them for a rainy day, if you will. but God, our perfect and amazing Father, doesn't give into our pleading and begging and other ridiculous antics in front of our freezers for our ice. and we come to the point of loathing Him for His unwillingness to give us what we NEED.

recently, God opened my fridge. He opened it, took two steps back and watched as i peered inside- my eyes hungry for all that i would see. have you ever had a moment like that? i looked inside and as full as the icebox seemed to be, it made me feel empty... hollow... lonely. i didn't like the fridge anymore... i didn't like the feeling it made me have... i ran to Him and grabbed onto His hand: apologizing for my lack of trust in His knowing best for me. i craved the comfort of His arms holding me and sheltering me from myself...

it was an awesome experience to say the least...

i sit now wondering what substantial things i have missed out on because of my unwillingness to leave the fridge... i guess i am waiting for that rainy day when God will grant me the second opportunity to access all that He has for me... the substantial, relationship strengthening things i blindly ignored as He passed my way. i know they won't be nearly as fresh or as appealing as they would have been that first day, but i do believe they will still contain their illustrious beauty that God gives everything He touches as He hands it to us. and that is where i am today...

knowing that i am on the brink of something big now that i am no longer on the fridge... His love is so great, His grace so amazing... i encourage you to listen to this song... i'm pulling a line from it to wrap up this post. "we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes- grace is an ocean, we're all sinking. heaven meets earth like a sloppy-wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest *because* i don't have time to maintain these regrets when i think about how He loves us!"

feel the love and know the love of your heavenly Father today!

snow, weathermen, texts and GOD!

i should be doing something else right now... most definitely... like driving to work on the somewhat icy roads or folding a load of laundry that just jumped out of my dryer for what seems like the thousandth time this weekend- but i needed to do something different. i needed to write. i desperately needed the cathartic experience of openly sharing my feelings and thoughts. with the options of writing a letter and blogging, you can see which one i chose.

we are heading out of a winter-weather filled weekend... on friday night, it was supposed to start snowing here in north carolina. i had been graced with driving in a "snow storm" on my way home from concord earlier in the day. i was so excited. i knew we were going to have some "accumulation" and my heart loves that white stuff (i'm telling you, i am five years old in my heart). it is sticking to the median and the bridges and the roofs of nearby houses... and it starts sticking to the roads!!! i am getting pumped to get home and watch it fall from the safety of my house... particularly in front of my fireplace :) so i pull off 485 to head home and there is nothing on the ground. NOTHING! in fact, the sky doesn't even look like snow!! i had a passenger with me at the time... he was pretty bummed out that he had to leave a friends house- where it was building up in the grass- to come home to no snow. i was trying to be optimistic and tell him it was going to be okay, but inside *not that deep down inside, but the most superficial inside* i felt the same way... it was like the line for snow was drawn by that stinking corridor. snow on this half, NOT on this half *insert hand gestures as you will*

i tried to contain my anger and frustration once i got home... i tried really hard. at the same time, my brain knew that other people were getting snow- and i was "myahd" *aka mad*

i texted my mom before i went to bed... "i am going to wake up to a snow covered world." she replied, "how do you know that little one?" *funny because i am a lot bigger than she is :)* and i said... get this... "because the weatherman told me so" (if that isn't a five year old talking... if that isn't a picture of naivete) as soon as i hit send, God knocked down my spiritual door... He had a message for me...

*dang, i love messages... especially right now*

this is how it went: "erin, dear, what did you just say? did you put your faith in the hands of the weatherman? the weatherman? *He smiled* because you have seen the snow today, you know that it is coming... and it is coming... but when I tell you that I love you- that I am watching over and holding you- do you believe ME with the same simple faith? when I whisper MY promise of goodness to you, are your ears as open to MY loving voice? have you not experienced MY love, MY hands of protection, MY voice of promise? is it so much less than the snow? have I become that small to you? am I so much less than the weatherman in this season of your life? erin, my love, do you think we should, maybe, change that? because I would like to..."

*man*

maybe your faith hasn't been laid in the hands of the weatherman..... maybe your eyes are still opened to all the mighty works of God and your heart knows that He is behind, in, and around everything you see... maybe your ears are perked to his every whisper and faintest movement... maybe you- your eyes, your ears, your heart- maybe you have fallen asleep. i had. and i had known that i had long before i set in for a snowy night...

i spent the past two weeks trying to wake myself up... i prayed, i praised, i asked others to pray, prayed and praised some more... i gave some things back that i had taken away in selfish and faithless moments of weakness... i think i am still giving more away to never take back...

so, it took more than snow, the weatherman, and a text message to get me to the point where i could hear GOD... it takes more than that to get to a point where i can feel God... it will take a lot more than that to get me away from God~