the joy of cleaning

while battling a late night episode of insomnia last night- an occurrance has increased in both frequency and duration since embarking into 2011- i managed to clean out three closets, the office, and the bonus room office space. i feel quite certain that i could have made it through the entire house had i not filled the trash can with countless loose-leaf notes of no consequence and at least 100 credit card mailers *don't worry mom, i shredded the ones that included my name and address :)* it was a wonderful thing... i felt productive. i was accomplishing something that moved towards a tangible goal.

the goal, you ask? well, i'm not sure BUT it is a cleaner place than its previous state. my residence is typically neat... everything has its place and that place is logical, almost non-negotiable in my mind's eye. call it ocd, call it over-controlling, call it personal preference, call it what you will. i like things to be neat and orderly. i need them to be, actually. these areas that i cleaned last night were in desperate need of attention.

everyone has those drawers, cabinets, closets, and/or rooms that company is forbidden to see. last night, i took care of those. i tidied my junk... eliminated the majority of it as a matter of fact. it feels good to throw things away. just the things that had expired, had no significant meaning, or had been clumped into a pile instead of making out of the house the first time. in the same sense, it felt good to save things to... to make a conscious effort to remember why something needed to be saved. to remember its purpose...

i guess that adequately depicts where i am in my life's journey as well. tidying my junk. spring cleaning. assessing those things i want to keep and rationalizing their purpose. more importantly, i'm eliminating the gross, dusty, and untidy things... sorting through and stripping away the layers of mud, dirt, and grime that i have been "too busy" to regularly address in typical housekeeping fashion.

*i previously failed to mention that i am also cleaning carpets, windows, baseboards, ceiling fans, vents, hardwoods... cleaning out pantries, drawers, closets, secret nooks and crannies... no, i'm not nesting... i'm simply addressing the abandoned areas of my life in multiple realms*

it brings me great satisfaction to clean out, up, and around me physically. i see the good being accomplished. i feel a sense of accomplishment. i can take "pride" in the effort (i use the word pride loosely- quite loosely) but as i clean out, up, and around spiritually i cannot help but notice the sharp difference in emotion. instead of seeing good being accomplished, i see loss of security. rather than accomplishment, there is guilt and shame. actions that should affirm my direction are met with doubt and caution... in my mass stripping and cleaning efforts, i have managed to become hollow. weak. insecure. vulnerable. purposeless. stagnant.

this is pure honesty... pure depravity of my soul... the purest glimpse into my war between flesh and spirit.

because i know none of these feelings are of God and because i know the enemy has every intention of restricting and depressing this growth that is coming, i cannot succumb to these emotions and mindsets. i am taking every effort to do that, no worries.

amid my cleaning frenzy, i happened upon one of my prayer journals from college. it stopped me in my path... the causative agent in staying my task at 3 am. i read it beginning to end... it sounds like a lot, but it is only partially full.

(i am a huge advocate of prayer journals... journals in general, i guess. God's work and movement is so evident in our pleas from "youth" and "growing days.") the pages were filled with psalms of praise and lament, honesty, anguish, joy... as i reflect on that season, i marvel at how i have grown.

growth is a good word. i talk about it a lot. i think about it even more. we associate it with positive movement. but as i read my words from my twentieth year of life, i realized i had grown apart and grown away from some foundational truths that i once held dear. in a book i recently finished, the author briefly mentioned how our faith evolves from childhood to adolescence to adulthood to elderly. she went on to describe worldly entanglements that weave their way into our naive and immature holdings relating to a faith we have failed to work out for ourselves. to take it a step further *as it applies to my life primarily- maybe where you are, too* in the four plus years since that journal was started my life has been a whirlwind, a rollercoaster, a sequential cycle of triumph and downfalls. perhaps there was some degree of growth spiritually due only to God's pursuit of me rather than my seeking Him; moreso, i can only see overgrowth of sinful behavior secondary to spiritual complacency as i struggled to stay afloat and save face to all those around me. sin is much more easily confronted on a day-to-day basis rather than the four year residence it has established. thus the present situation...

but getting back to the journal. i came across this prayer reflective of my inmost heart... the heart that has not changed, just dwindled in size... now finding itself longing to attain its potential. "LORD, i praise You in my difficulties. i exalt You for my struggles. i thank You for not making my life a walk in the park. what an honor that You have given me these hardships to prepare me for Your work. Father God, i see Your provisions all around me. i desire to serve You and honor You in all the trials that lie ahead of me on the path You have for my life. as i continue to seek You, Lord, please continue to pursue me- guide me, teach me, love me, use me- let me nothing but a shell for You to fill." four years ago, i asked God to make me a shell (aka hollow, empty, weak, easily crushed, a lifeless shape) aka where i am now...

three weeks after that entry, i find this one: "what a glorious thing to know that You are in my trials, Great God, Creator of the world. how awesome it is to be able to trust You fully in all that i face and all that i do. i thank You for the blessings of my shortcomings, my struggles, and my weaknesses. obviously You are the only One able to hold me together."

those are the prayers of my heart today... as i struggle to stay committed to this shell of a state... as i relinquish control and demolish strongholds in the earnest effort to be filled and satisfied with the only Filler there is. i will boast that i am nothing. i will boast that i am frail. i will boast that i weak... but His strength is made perfect in my weakness. praise be for that...