down on grandma's farm...

... there is a big, black cow. down on grandma's farm there is a big, black cow. moo-oo, moo-oo, moo, moo, moo...

bless you if you read those words and knew the song behind the words enough to hum your way through it :) i am currently living on a farm on the outskirts of a major metropolis of north carolina with several black cows (and red ones and a few white ones and one brown cow), goats, sheep, and a llama. there is the typical farmhouse cat and a flock of geese floating in the backyard pond. i believe the setting would be pretty much perfect if it included a/c retaining walls and a television... but perhaps it is perfect just the way it is...

i have a lot of time to myself here. strike that, in the free time that i spend here (not all that abundant or frequent) i don't have much to distract my typically over stimulated thought process. *that could be a good thing... or that could be a not good thing* i have often found myself randomly singing songs from my childhood- such as the one above...

winnie the pooh, sing-a-longs, disney movies, hide-em in your heart songs, etc... they have all flooded my subconscious in recent weeks. given that i don't really have many people to talk to on this solely inhabited acreage with little cell reception and slow internet, and given that it may be slightly frowned upon to make small talk with the animals (unless you are dr. doolittle, which i am not) i am completely okay with the fact that sometimes i sing songs audibly and alone just to hear some sort of noise echo off the walls.

i am amazed sometimes by the simpleness of life on the farm... the quietness, stillness... the tranquility that is locked behind these fences and doors which preserves a way of life only known to those generations ago... i commonly reflect on this theme... i wonder how i can love the quietness but crave the sound; how i am very much at home in the wild grass pastures yet disconnected from my agricultural roots and the life i could have easily lived... perhaps you think this is nothing. perhaps it is nothing...

i have this stark contrast in my life right now. amid multiple stressors of relocating, selling a house, starting a new job, taking on new bills, making large life adjustments, i work in a concrete jungle and live in the middle of farmtown, usa. there is a sense of congruency missing from my life.

i guess that it has been like this for sometime... it is just more evident now...

sunday i sang a song in church. i was supposed to sing this duet almost two years ago, but it never came to be until this week. the song was "Jesus i am resting, resting." as i prepared for it, i couldn't help but notice the irony of the moment. *tangent- when i choose a song to sing in church, i like to choose a message that relates to my life OR has a message i believe others need to hear. either way, i have to be in a place where the words of the song mean something to me, personally. i can't fake a song purely to sing it... if that makes sense* so the words of this song have been filtering through the speakers of my car for about a week, maybe five days... i repeated the track and rehearsed the verses countless times (i only sang two verses) i love the song and i love the words in the song. i love what the song has to say, even with its "thee's, thou's, and thine's" but there was a small disconnect with my mouth, head, and heart. small may be a generous term regarding the true depth of the schism...

the song was written in the 1800's sometime. we upped the musical presence of the song to include a good beat of electric guitars, keyboards, and synthetic drums. but the words stayed the same... the message remained intact...

the house i am living in now was built in the 1800's. the song i recently sang was written in the 1800's. i find it hard to believe that "resting" was such a struggle in those days compared to the huge feat it seems to be now... this concept of rest, resting in Jesus, learning His goodness and trusting His heart it isn't a new struggle for humanity...

the third verse of the song was omitted in the version i sang. it is the verse that probably means the most to me and enabled me to sing the rest of the song sunday with honesty and purpose. it says, "simply trusting Thee Lord Jesus, i behold Thee as Thou art. Thy love so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart. satisfies its deepest longings, meets, supplies its every need. compasseth me round with blessings. Thine is love indeed." *translation, for the non kjv'ers out there* simply trusting Jesus as Lord we are able to see Him for who He is, the awesome degree of love He showers on us... this love that meets our every need, our every longing, our every craving- it doesn't change, wane, or bear grievances. it blesses my socks off and blows my mind while filling my greatest desires and surrounding me with more than i will ever need. that is love... that is the love found in Jesus, in trusting Him, in resting in His goodness...

i have to go to bed, so i will wrap this up. sleep is a wonderful thing. rest is an even greater concept if we learn how to do it. if it was a struggle in the 1800's- an age without the technological vices that suck our lives away today- how much greater of a struggle is true rest today. i'm okay to live in a incongruent stage for the moment. coming home to a house without my normal techie blankets of security may allow me to find a deeper sense of rest... a true sense of rest...

the joy of cleaning

while battling a late night episode of insomnia last night- an occurrance has increased in both frequency and duration since embarking into 2011- i managed to clean out three closets, the office, and the bonus room office space. i feel quite certain that i could have made it through the entire house had i not filled the trash can with countless loose-leaf notes of no consequence and at least 100 credit card mailers *don't worry mom, i shredded the ones that included my name and address :)* it was a wonderful thing... i felt productive. i was accomplishing something that moved towards a tangible goal.

the goal, you ask? well, i'm not sure BUT it is a cleaner place than its previous state. my residence is typically neat... everything has its place and that place is logical, almost non-negotiable in my mind's eye. call it ocd, call it over-controlling, call it personal preference, call it what you will. i like things to be neat and orderly. i need them to be, actually. these areas that i cleaned last night were in desperate need of attention.

everyone has those drawers, cabinets, closets, and/or rooms that company is forbidden to see. last night, i took care of those. i tidied my junk... eliminated the majority of it as a matter of fact. it feels good to throw things away. just the things that had expired, had no significant meaning, or had been clumped into a pile instead of making out of the house the first time. in the same sense, it felt good to save things to... to make a conscious effort to remember why something needed to be saved. to remember its purpose...

i guess that adequately depicts where i am in my life's journey as well. tidying my junk. spring cleaning. assessing those things i want to keep and rationalizing their purpose. more importantly, i'm eliminating the gross, dusty, and untidy things... sorting through and stripping away the layers of mud, dirt, and grime that i have been "too busy" to regularly address in typical housekeeping fashion.

*i previously failed to mention that i am also cleaning carpets, windows, baseboards, ceiling fans, vents, hardwoods... cleaning out pantries, drawers, closets, secret nooks and crannies... no, i'm not nesting... i'm simply addressing the abandoned areas of my life in multiple realms*

it brings me great satisfaction to clean out, up, and around me physically. i see the good being accomplished. i feel a sense of accomplishment. i can take "pride" in the effort (i use the word pride loosely- quite loosely) but as i clean out, up, and around spiritually i cannot help but notice the sharp difference in emotion. instead of seeing good being accomplished, i see loss of security. rather than accomplishment, there is guilt and shame. actions that should affirm my direction are met with doubt and caution... in my mass stripping and cleaning efforts, i have managed to become hollow. weak. insecure. vulnerable. purposeless. stagnant.

this is pure honesty... pure depravity of my soul... the purest glimpse into my war between flesh and spirit.

because i know none of these feelings are of God and because i know the enemy has every intention of restricting and depressing this growth that is coming, i cannot succumb to these emotions and mindsets. i am taking every effort to do that, no worries.

amid my cleaning frenzy, i happened upon one of my prayer journals from college. it stopped me in my path... the causative agent in staying my task at 3 am. i read it beginning to end... it sounds like a lot, but it is only partially full.

(i am a huge advocate of prayer journals... journals in general, i guess. God's work and movement is so evident in our pleas from "youth" and "growing days.") the pages were filled with psalms of praise and lament, honesty, anguish, joy... as i reflect on that season, i marvel at how i have grown.

growth is a good word. i talk about it a lot. i think about it even more. we associate it with positive movement. but as i read my words from my twentieth year of life, i realized i had grown apart and grown away from some foundational truths that i once held dear. in a book i recently finished, the author briefly mentioned how our faith evolves from childhood to adolescence to adulthood to elderly. she went on to describe worldly entanglements that weave their way into our naive and immature holdings relating to a faith we have failed to work out for ourselves. to take it a step further *as it applies to my life primarily- maybe where you are, too* in the four plus years since that journal was started my life has been a whirlwind, a rollercoaster, a sequential cycle of triumph and downfalls. perhaps there was some degree of growth spiritually due only to God's pursuit of me rather than my seeking Him; moreso, i can only see overgrowth of sinful behavior secondary to spiritual complacency as i struggled to stay afloat and save face to all those around me. sin is much more easily confronted on a day-to-day basis rather than the four year residence it has established. thus the present situation...

but getting back to the journal. i came across this prayer reflective of my inmost heart... the heart that has not changed, just dwindled in size... now finding itself longing to attain its potential. "LORD, i praise You in my difficulties. i exalt You for my struggles. i thank You for not making my life a walk in the park. what an honor that You have given me these hardships to prepare me for Your work. Father God, i see Your provisions all around me. i desire to serve You and honor You in all the trials that lie ahead of me on the path You have for my life. as i continue to seek You, Lord, please continue to pursue me- guide me, teach me, love me, use me- let me nothing but a shell for You to fill." four years ago, i asked God to make me a shell (aka hollow, empty, weak, easily crushed, a lifeless shape) aka where i am now...

three weeks after that entry, i find this one: "what a glorious thing to know that You are in my trials, Great God, Creator of the world. how awesome it is to be able to trust You fully in all that i face and all that i do. i thank You for the blessings of my shortcomings, my struggles, and my weaknesses. obviously You are the only One able to hold me together."

those are the prayers of my heart today... as i struggle to stay committed to this shell of a state... as i relinquish control and demolish strongholds in the earnest effort to be filled and satisfied with the only Filler there is. i will boast that i am nothing. i will boast that i am frail. i will boast that i weak... but His strength is made perfect in my weakness. praise be for that...