your real life

at the request of my dear family and friends, i am returning to life here in the blog world... i guess it is for me mostly (if i am going to be honest with everyone) i have a list of things that i need to move from brain waves to thoughts, then to letters, then to words, and on to phrases- things that are weighing heavily on me right now- things that are best thought about when translated into the 2 dimensional realm where the spinning/flipping/contorting charade of abstraction and over-inspection is all but destroyed... that is what needs to happen- are you ready? am i ready?

uhm, not quite... i just finished my last diet mountain dew for a while (i realized the other day after drinking maybe seven cans that i had a problem... the best way to solve this problem for me is quitting cold turkey... i already have a headache!) i also just got home from my last exam of 2009 (PTL hallelujarh) and need to go put on something that is not 'professional' aka SWEATPANTS!

oh, it is so refreshing to be in an elastic waistband :) why is that you think?

you know what else is refreshing-- a long, hot shower. i decided to purchase a new shower head for my master bathroom that isn't really mine :) the one i was using had been there for five years and had a little discoloration oozing from its pores... that and there was something i read about shower heads made in the last two years are somehow green in that they diminish the amount of water needed to shower... i don't know... i was just trying to avoid cleaning the shower head i suppose... anyway, i went to some hardware store and came out with a new piece of hardware!

*sidetrack... you know how girls stereotypically choose sports teams based on color schemes and uniform design? well, i am not that girl. i like the teams that i am supposed to like... tarheels, panthers, hurricanes, hornets, braves/orioles... with the exception of the cincinnati bengals (i like their helmets... and uniforms... and carson palmer) and the oregon ducks (i like their green/yellow/black color scheme... and their mascot... and their uniforms with the cool dot pattern over the shoulder pads) but, yeah... i pull for talent and smart play calling and smart play making... not the jawbones, gluteal shape, or salaries of the athletes. sometimes it is all about the packaging and sometimes it is about the name. neither one of those things really apply to this story in a direct fashion, but there is a connection somewhere... let's get back on track*

so i walked out with a new and clean attachment to make my daily hygiene ritual more eco-friendly. i chose this particular model because it matched my bathroom and it boasted 8 possible settings to provide the maximum shower experience. they call it a spa head. who needs 8 settings for a shower? that thought didn't really pass through my mind until i was driving home... i bought a product based on wrapping and slogan and name... typical female... ugh. see, that is... well... that is like having 8 different pillows or 8 different air fresheners in your house just to provide variety (serious internal conflict going on... i can and do have disagreements with myself) but, back to the question of who needs 8 settings?!?!

apparently- i do :) i love that little shower head because it has 8 different settings... no, not really- let me explain.

at my parent's other house- the house of wisdom, reason, and spend-thriftiness- the three girls share the cutest little bathroom and shower. that shower head has 3 different settings- which is incredibly appropriate since there are three girls. my youngest sister likes the weak stream that feels like you are standing in the rain- you know the kind that barely makes it out of the faucet head: trickle, trickle, droooohooop. it works for her; she comes out clean. it doesn't work for me... at all... which is where my 8 options reappear!


i was thinking about this while showering the other day... how life is full of our preferences, personalization options, idealized settings to meet our individual criterion for comfort... think about it. what are you wearing right now? why? what is the color of the wrapping paper under your tree? why? when you drive in your car, why is there a completely different thermostat control for ever seat? why are your walls painted that color? *none of the answers really matter, it was just a thought*

while the water pounded on and around me, i played with those 8 settings. *i know you all wish you had the time to play with all the shower head options... you probably all wish you could still sleep in pink rollers and wake up like shirley temple on sunday mornings... or split your face into quadrants to decide which foundation matched your skin tone during this pale season... or reorganize your closet to make sure all of your shoes and clothes still fit in that space... i was procrastinating to avoid studying* i imagined each setting as its own color, its own flavor, its own texture, its own sound... i decided i liked my original setting the best- the one that felt like hurricane force rain pelting my body surface with is mystic, silvery blue beads which tasted like sunshine and ice mixed together with crispy freshness that almost burned. there was a level of intentionality and degree of purpose in that stream- something that was missing in the both of which were lacking in my other options.

i was thinking really hard about this, and i was trying to figure out why i was thinking so hard about this... you have any ideas?

i came to the conclusion that i was missing that degree of purpose and intentionality... i was stuck in a spa mode that i didn't like. it was a peaceful, yellow, serene stream of life that whispered "don't make a splash, don't rock the boat" and tasted like marshmallow creme... it wasn't what i wanted. i wasn't happy with my efforts to shower the world. i was blending in with the feel-good greens and want-to-be-happy reds... i was lost in the flowers and freshly baked pies... i was overwhelmed by quiet streams and chinese gong bells. my waters were mixing into the "make the world happy" soup bowl of self-serving, self-saving people and i had to get out.

there is always a fear of growing complacent. as i grow older, this fear becomes reality more quickly than it did when i was going places and dreaming dreams of ambitious youth. when is it that we realize that this is life- we have finally arrived to the place where the majority of our dreams have passed us by and those that didn't rush past, those that chose to take flight, have landed us here... a place where we may not feel completely satisfied- where we are both enthused and nauseated to settle and stay... so for a while we do plant our feet... until the urge to uproot is too strong to ignore. i guess that's where i am today. i suppose you can say i am ridding myself of the distaste that caused me to unknowingly settle in a land of yellow and marshmallow creme...

that may be the hardest thing about it all... unknowingly... subconsciously, if any consciousness is involved at all... that is how we arrive at complacency for the most part. you know?

in an effort to fight the risk for a life plagued by complacent periods, i am committing the entire third chapter of colossians to memory. you should read it the next time you get a chance. i really like the nlt version, but you can read whatever you have. the power of Word of God isn't dependent upon its version or binding!

i'm going to wrap it up now... this is entirely too long... the title of this post is "your real life" which is taken from colossians 3. paul describes a real life hidden with God in Christ... a real life that is completely different than regular life... a new nature that has replaced the grimy, unclean nature of old... a new nature that is consistently being renewed as we learn more about Christ! -i am going to have to get into this a little later-

it isn't about how clean you are on the outside or which stream of water pours over you... it is about intentionality and purpose and desire... it isn't about personal preferences or anal-retentive tendencies... it is about focus and a teachable attitude... it isn't always about you and what makes you comfortable [erin]... your life, your real life, is about something much, much larger and your regular life should reflect that!

quarterly update :)

no, i didn't die... physically *haha* i may have died in small pieces in various places among various times between last post and now, but i am in fact still alive *praise be to the Lord of all for that* the only way i can make up for this lengthy sabbatical of mine is to flood you with my brain's overflow while i chomp my way through an extra dark hershey's with pomegranate pieces--> oh yeah, this is so much better than reading through personality disorders :))

story time: i was slow-poking along the road one day in traffic. my eyes tend to wander when i drive... something about observant first child syndrome... anyway, they were drawn to a nearby pasture that was dissected by the gaudy power line skyscrapers. (know what i am talking about) i was stuck at a horrible angle... at least for a person with oh-cee-dee tendencies... the lines that defined the supporting structure were similar enough to show symmetry, but they competed against each other in the most annoying way. i really tried not to focus on them... to no avail... my eyes were set on this wreck ruining nature. they clashed and clanged with the skyline. i continued to inch along the road with my eyes flashing between the power lines and the brake lights in front of me. eventually, i got to the point that all lines disappeared behind what could have been a 2-d backdrop. my mind was set at ease... the shapes lined up and contained perfection :) i stared at it, amazed that what had been irking my nerves for 5-10 minutes now pleased my soul. it didn't last long- traffic picked up and i drove away... i watched the perfect lines intersect with opposing reason in my rear view, yet i was not overcome with the same uneasiness that greeted me with my first scan of the horizon that evening. from one view, it stood perfect... in complete harmony. i thought about it a couple days ago as i fell asleep-- i was stuck in the imperfect phase for so long when in reality there were four perfect images co-existing. maybe it doesn't make you think as much as it made me think these past three weeks or so, but i have done a lot of thinking... and this is my conclusion~

how many times do we catch each other during imperfect phases? have you ever seen someone in their perfect phase? what does that look like... when we display our perfect phases are we simply hiding our multiple imperfect sides? how awesome that God sees all of our phases but chooses to cherish our perfect phase :)

random question: when samuel heard God call his name, do you think His voice sounded like eli's? if so, why? if not, why did samuel think it was eli?

from the home front: my dog has become a supreme shedding factory... her hair is everywhere - she leaves a plume everywhere she goes. it is frustrating to say the least, especially when wearing black dress pants :) i was mad at her the other day for it *because it is obviously her fault... or i am taxed beyond my own limits... go with the latter* i found four white coarse hair sticking out of my computer last week. knowing she had not been on my computer, i realized something-- because i choose to pet her and lover her, her hairs love me and pet everything i touch. if the same were true of me and the light and salt of the earth that i am to be- if i "soiled" everything i touched with the light of Christ and the salt of His words, those who were brushed with Truth would have no choice but to continue to spread it, directly or indirectly. oh the lessons from "marbelle," as my mother calls her...

lessons from the last semester: i am currently 16 school days and 3 exam days away from clinical rotations... NO MORE CLASS!!! this is one of the lessons i have learned these past 85 months. when you continually fight to be strong, you run out of steam regardless of your fit-ness. that being said, however, you somehow always have the strength *or friends with superior strength* to pick yourself back up and tackle another tidal wave... because life is just another day at the beach, right?!?!

concluding word and song(s): as i strive to gain my place in this world, i can't really overcome the general principle that i am nothing. day by day, it never gets old... i hope it never does...

discarding my flash card lists

sunday was Lord's supper sunday. i struggled to approach the table with the appropriate mindset due to some lack of continuity of a worshipful service... it was almost like it had been tacked on at the end, just another thing to be checked off... it made me frustrated (and disappointed) at the time, but i have reflected on it since then and come to a mighty close-to-home conclusion: those of us who make lists (whether tangible or mental, i am a combination of both) have the tendency to work our way through infamous to-do lists. our routines are rigid to the point of disconcerted affects should we be forced to deviate from our plans. we like to see the checked boxes and will go out of our way to achieve our full day; in the same manner, we are put-out by multiple unchecked boxes and find ourselves unable to attain proper rest until the list is completed... sunday appeared to be a check in the box of proper Lord's supper service constituents for me. it was not a worshipful act; it was not regarded as sacred; it was not what i wanted and needed it to be even though it was checked off for the quarter...

it isn't enough to show up at the end of the day with a completed to-do list... it isn't enough to hold up 28470 lists of varying lengths and components during a funeral service... it isn't enough...

as i sat and prayed for God to prepare me to actively participate in this act of worship, the "isn't enough" concept flooded me... not the to-do list, not the checks vs unchecks... the "isn't enough" is what called me out... so yes, as i prayed in preparation these words overwhelmed my spirit--

heal my heart and make it clear
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You have loved me
break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything i am for Your kingdom's cause
as i walk from nothing into eternity

-- not your typical communion song... especially for organ-loving, all-verse singing, fellowshipping southern baptists :) and yet it is in so many ways! here is the whole song...

i abandon my to-do list when i adopt these words as my purpose. i am more available for spontaneous demonstrations of God's love, more in-tune with His Spirit, more willing to act as the hands and feet of my Savior... you know what i mean?

i pray that these words will continue to sing out from my heart in the coming days, months, years, and decades... it is one of those prayers that i could pray all day long :)

... and a song i can sing all eternity long!!! ~hosanna in the highest~

happy spring~

another month has passed witout a post... but a lot has happened in that month... we reached a significant milestone in pa school *more days of class behind us than there are in front of us* daylight savings time is in action, march madness is upon us, spring break came and went, seasons changed...... and i got a puppy :)


this is maybelle riley with her monkey friend. she is a mastiff mix of sorts *we think* and about six weeks old in this picture. only 10 pounds then :) my mother says that she acts just like me when i was little... but i didn't bite :) needless to say, life has changed a lot.

just a quick little update... i have a list of post topics to tackle- get ready :)

blissing or blessing or bothing

this is a post from my other blog, but i wanted to share it with you today... just because i like to switch it up every so often... and i am busy writing a 13 page lit review and 5 page reflective essay...

we were talking about the four life signals people can experience- blissed, blessed, perturbed, and dissed in my health care issues class.

i am going to go out on a limb and combine two life signals into one. i think they are both simultaneously applicable to my life. i have become absorbed in something bigger than myself *blissed* but beyond that, i have realized that i have been provided with an extraordinary privilege and calling *blessed* therefore, i think i am blissed beyond blessed.

i think as human beings we strive to attain greatness, some worldly form of recognition, some degree of fame within our own circles and perhaps beyond them. greatness-- as in wealth, fame, power, prestige-- has lost its luster for me. when asked what i wanted to be when i grew up as a teenager, i simply said, "i want to be important." i didn't mean that i wanted to make my signature worth thousands of dollars or carry the power of the president of the united states; no, i wanted to make a difference. i wanted my life to count. i wanted to leave my mark... i also wanted to drive a yellow h2, own a respectable home with a separate room for my shoes, get married right after college, have my first child by age 25, coach little league soccer, and retire by 55 to a rocking chair on the wrap-around porch that could track the sun across the sky... the good news is i still want to leave a mark on this world- just not my own...

with the family, friends, opportunities, graces, talents, and attitude i have been given, i know i am blessed. i know that i have been created for a reason. i grew up in a family that rooted me in scriptures and watered me with love and support. i am so thankful for the way my parents chose to raise us... i know, because of their tender and careful parenting, that i have been molded to do great things in life. for that reason, i am blessed...

blessed also in that i have been welcomed into the family of God through the incredible sacrifice of Jesus Christ. blessed that i have given my entire life to the service of my Savior. His desires for my life are my life's goals. i do not live for myself... i do not seek to get ahead, make a profit, or prove anything. i exist to bring my Father and His Son glory- there is this great song *that i cannot find online and link for you to hear* but one of the verses that SO resonates with my heart this day says "Lord according to Your plan, You created every man, just to glorify You and bless Your name forevermore." if i don't do a single thing with my life other than that, it'd be okay with me. i am just a "little i" in the story of I AM :)

i am blissed because i know my life is insignificant in the grand scheme of things... blessed that i know God and that He, the God of the universe, has created me for a purpose that is larger than anything i could have dreamed up on my own. i am truly blissed beyond blessed because i know both are true!

can you say the same thing? blissed beyond blessed...

can you say it three times fast :)

the "my" challenge

i am not teaching sunday school this month... as a class, we are taking a month to focus on biblical budgeting and attaining financial freedom *pretty great timing for that, huh... beyond the in college/recent grad status and being up to our eyeballs in debt :)* we were issued a challenge on sunday... it is thursday, and i have failed horribly... it didn't even take three days- pretty sure i didn't last 60 hours...

the challenge- deposit a nickel into a jar every time you say the word "my" for the week. why? to bring home a fairly significant point= GOD owns it all. we are merely stewards of what God has entrusted to us. every time i claim ownership by saying "my _____" i am defying principle numero uno. it isn't really mine...

as a little kid, i was very possessive. my little sisters had this great habit of putting my "little people" in their mouths... playing with my baby dolls without putting them back in their assigned cribs... taking one of my 14 goldfish (i counted out my serving sizes like a good little diabetic child) main thing is, i liked my things to stay mine! i learned how to share during my college years... no lie~

*i owe 40 cents for that one paragraph, ps*

is it stealing from God's ownership when we appoint ourselves as masters over things of importance in life? i don't really know...

things like my hands, my head, my face, my hair, my heart, my eyes, my body... those are entrusted to me. my car, my house, my job, my responsibilities... those are not really mine. my choices, my dreams, my decisions, my ideas, my hopes- they aren't mine either. it gets really deep, really fast.

*that's a dollar thirty... that's a meal at mickey d's for a grad student :)*

God owns it all; i am merely a steward of what He has entrusted to me; i don't own any of it... that is the lesson here.

try it the rest of the week. had i not just cleaned the car out of all of the change i had collected over the past 6 mos, i would still be participating in this exercise... take the money you collect and put it in savings... all one dollar and thirty cents of it :)

... or go to your favorite dollar menu :)

Your nearness is to us our good

i was restocking the towel closet in the master bathroom last night. i was weaving my way through the mazes of doors that are seemingly without purpose. i was on track, doing good work, being productive... and then i wasn't. i was mesmerized by something happening outside the window. it was a view for the ages

the grass was dead and the trees were sprigs of leafless life... i doubt the color palate would have changed at all had all the colors been removed- gray and black, not even a little bit of white. "erin, how were you mesmerized by THAT?" it is a very valid question... the sky, my friend, was full of brilliant colors- the total opposite of the organic material beneath it- as the radiant, life-supporting sun was setting. the few clouds that were in the sky at the time were gently sweeping behind the dead trees. i sat down on the edge of the bathtub and watched... and listened... my Jesus was reading me a picture book...

*i love picture books... the story can change with every new read, you know. it requires imagination from the viewer. it requires an element of faith to see if the next page will continue to support the story line. so young and childish, very much at my level last night* so as Jesus read to me, i sat and soaked in every word-

my heart was singing this song all weekend. (get it loading on your computer pronto) it was more than the nearness of God last night; it was more than Him holding me in His hand. i heard His heartbeat and felt His breath as He brushed His face against me on the edge of that bathtub...

i have grown a lot in the past two weeks... grown down and around and now growing up (not adulthood, but vertical growth) still in the same position as the previous post... still claiming Christ's strength through my personal weakness... tears still streaming sometimes, but i have a smile bursting inside my heart because i have felt it... i have felt "I AM" at work *after i hadn't felt Him in a long time* and i was allowed to see it yesterday *after i hadn't seen Him in a long time* through dusty blinds and a streaked window...

part of me wishes the grass would stay dead and the leaves would remain hidden in their buds... i kinda wish the dust would stay on the blinds and the window would stay streaked with cleaning residue and grime... to gain greater appreciation of the life-giving power of the Son... you know what i mean? here are the lyrics to that song, ps~

You are all, big and small, beautiful
and wonderful, to trust in grace through faith
but i'm asking to taste...

for dark is light to You... depths are height to You
far is near, but Lord, i need to hear from You

be near, oh God... be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
be near, oh God... be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good, our good

Your fullness is mine, revelation divine
but, o, to taste to know much more than a page
to feel Your embrace...

for dark is light to You, the depths are height to You
far is near, but Lord, i need to hear from You

be near, oh God... be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
be near, oh God... be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good, our good

the richness of those words, man, it gives me goosebumps :)

enjoy the sunshine~

desperate cries, somber times

there are times that we all need to experience the lowest of the lows so that we can truly understand the beauty and mercy found at the highest of highs... there are things said, things expressed, during these low times that enable us to reach a new point in our souls... pits, maybe, are still increasing the capacity of our souls....... we find ourselves in new positions *familiar, but not identical to those in which we have previously found ourselves* complete pronation before the throne of grace, glory and love... somehow flattened more than we thought we could ever be. complete abduction of both shoulders- stretching almost out of socket just to expand our exposure- pain shooting through our fingertips hoping to catch the slightest breeze of God's movement in our expansive stance... heads thrown back... heads bowed forward... sometimes a combination of the two... on our knees... on our face-- all positions of reverence in front of a God bigger than anything we are facing.

there are times our hearts are moved to cry out in praise when the rest of us feels nothing... times when we find ourselves incapable of truly relaying our desired message to Abba Father. we are trapped in bodies unable to praise *in a worthy enough way* the One who created the idea of praise and our desire to do so even when we feel limited by our methods...

there are efforts to climb out of the pits and valleys... lunging our through the terrain only to discover we are walking in circles and spinning down deeper into the crater... we are not content to sit still, we are not prepared to give up the fight and plant our roots... it is here we find ourselves wasted and empty, depleted and numb... we fall and lay the way we landed...

... landing here and staying here praying to be restored...

... and we wait for restoration. knowing that we have done and are doing all we can, resting in the faith we have been accepted into and taken as our own... it is here i find myself today- hands raised, head thrown back, tears streaming, red faced, weary, broken, and depleted of all things self... it is here i wait...

i wait trusting that His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness... i will attempt to be glad in my weakness, to boast of it even, because then i know the power of Christ will rest upon me... i will be content in these hard times, in this period of weakness for the sake of Christ. why? because when i am weak, I AM is strong... and when I AM is strong, so too am i...

... let me feel it...

how many names?

i have been struggling a little bit... living by yourself can be a hard thing to do, especially when you are used to college dorms and rambunctious sisters. school is picking up big time, and i feel like i could drown any given week. its the mental side of it... knowing everything you have to do- everything you have to grow up to be... overwhelming, yes... impossible, no...

then i stumbled across this little excerpt from on of my most favorite books:

"when i live like i'm privileged, i have lost the plot. in other words, when i start acting like i deserve a certain outcome or a higher standard of life, i have failed to strike the fatal blow to self and am living like i actually have rights in this world apart from God. when i am demanding, i have lost the plot, insisting that God and others meet my needs on the timetable that i see fit. when i act pompous, i have lost the plot, thinking that i am somebody while only proving that i haven't had a good look at God today. when i crumble under the pressure, i have lost the plot, declaring that the outcome of life rests squarely on my shoulders, not His. when i start protecting, i have lost the plot, marking turf as though it were actually mine and forgetting that everything i have comes first from above. when i crave the spotlight for myself, i have lost the plot, losing sight of the story line and the one true Star. when i fail to celebrate the success of others who are living for His fame, i have lost the plot, thinking that possibly we are on different teams when we actually share supporting roles the same story. when i dwell on feelings of being unloved, unnoticed, or insignificant, i have lost the plot, abandoning the miracle of knowing God on a first-name basis." ~louie giglio, i am not but i know I AM

knowing that i know I AM... knowing that i know that i am not I AM... gosh, that takes off some pressure, yeah? and that made me think of this song by nichole nordeman. Elbow Healer, Superhero, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper, my Best Friend, Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker, Holder of my hand, Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer, Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer, Lord and King, Beginning and the End... I AM :) wow, how little are we?

this isn't really an "introspective look into erin's head" blog today... this is a sharing of erin's heart-

what do you do when you don't want to do what you are supposed to be doing?

i am supposed to be studying for a pharmacology exam (ra, oa, gout, constipation, diarrhea, ibs, ibd, nsaids, and opioids) it isn't really all that fun, DEspite what you may think when you read over that list...

there are very few things that excite me more than new music... i decided to update my blog music for your benefit :))

its on the left :)

i got really bored trying to study for a pharmacology exam... [note the word trying]

i hope it encourages you as you read along! enjoy~

what do i know of Holy?

as i was driving home from a long *long* day of school yesterday, i was feeling defeated. the return to school from a five day weekend wasn't particularly pleasant- especially since we had a make-up class before a test i didn't feel prepared to take before a pharmacology lecture on laxatives and anti-diarrheals... the whole day felt like crap *:)* actually...

so yes, i was driving home... traffic was unusually thick... i had an hour to make it from school to home *to change and eat* to church... i was impatient and discouraged- i had more important things to do than sit in the never ending red lights of monroe!!!

and then i heard my radio, as if it hadn't been on my entire drive, i heard my radio say, "what do i know, what do i know of Holy?"

... what do i know? that day, i felt like i knew nothing at all... what did i know of holy? that day, i felt like i knew nothing of Him at all... i answered the question out loud after the feminine voice posed the lyrical question- "nothing" and quickly pushed the repeat button on the dash.

we had talked about psalm 139 in church and sunday school this past sunday i didn't pay much attention to the sermon, but i had been dwelling on psalm 139 most of last week to prepare for class --> God forming us and knowing us so intimately... God's allowing us to see Him as the Creator of all... the Creator of us all... the mystery behind His creative hands... and His allowing us to understand how great He is... to the point that when we try to grasp His magnitude we lose whatever grip we had on the vastness of God and fall into the 'mind-blown' human minds that hold us all prisoners...

"if You touched my face, would i know You? looked into my eyes, could i behold You? what do i know of You who spoke me into motion? where have i even stood but the shore along Your ocean? are You fire? are You fury? are You sacred? are You beautiful? what do i know, what do i know of Holy? i guess i thought that i had figured you out. i knew all the stories and i learned to talk about how You were mighty to save, but those were only empty words on a page. then i caught a glimpse of who You might be; the slightest hint of You brought me down to my own knees. what do i know of Holy? what do i know of wounds that will heal my shame? and a God who gave life its name? what do i know of Holy? of the one Whom the angels praise? all creation knows Your name. on earth and heaven above, what do i know of this love? what do i know of Holy?"

i guess it kinda hit me wednesday afternoon that i was falling once again to see the greatness of God once more... spinning as i fell... amazed by everything i saw above me, everything i thought i had almost understood........ it was the most beautiful, most comfortable fall i have had in a long time

the sun was red that afternoon as it was setting *one of my favorite things ever* a piercing shade of red that penetrated my eyes and soul... i think it was my gentle landing... definitely an "on my knees" landing~

the day didn't seem so bad after that. it all felt very small. very, very small... kind of like this 'little i'

what do you know of Holy?

impenetrable echo

i challenged my sunday school class/shepherd group today to pay attention to the new ear concept... drawing from mark 4 (the parable of the sower) and other gospel accounts of this parable (specifically matt 13:16 and luke 8:11) we had a wonderful conversation, full of laughs and moments of thoughtful silence. i think older generations would be amazed at the occasional wisdom of the present college/recently graduated generation... there is a Mighty Power at work in those devoted to Him *please pray for their continued devotion!*

while planning this lesson, i read multiple versions of this passage... the traditional niv says in mark 4:9 "he who has ears to hear, let him hear." the message puts the verse this way "are you listening? really listening?" and i fell in love with Jesus all over again in those five words...

the reason- here, Jesus shows me that He knows my heart so well... through His words to His disciples, Jesus speaks to erin! becaaaaaause erin sometimes pretends to listen... having mastered "listen with your eyes" i have somehow managed to miss "listen with your ears" or "listen with your heart"

the esv explains that listening *in this case, having ears to hear* involves surrender of pride and reliance on self... it is an act of submission... like abraham's servant placing his hand under the his master's thigh, acknowledging abraham's strength and authority. to understand the parable/to hear the parable, we have to submit to listen.

i think i have talked about the whole idea of passive and active listening before, so i won't continue to talk about which one is more worthwhile

my future profession requires me to listen... and to listen well... failure to listen to my patients in front of me could result in the largest of all consequences- death. could that not also be true of their spiritual health?

this is what i have learned, as a facilitator of healing... a teammate of the Great Physician... my job is to have a constant ear forward to both my Father's Spirit as well as my patients' concerns. i guess now is as good a time as any to work on that remapping process...

new year, new ear?

so my computer just forgot the 'y' on year, and it became "new ear"

it could be a random failed strike of the keyboard OR it could be a little more significant than that... what if we had a new ear for the new year (not really the purpose of this post, but i am going to explore some things here... go with me)

what if this year we lived life with an intentional ear forward... if we chose to listen solely to those around us rather than the mental diarrhea telling us of everything we have to do in the days to come... what if our new ear was more aligned with the Spirit of God and His pullings on our heart... can you choose to have a new ear?

if you could, i am sure my dad would take it... make that two :) he can't hear very well, but he is one of the best listeners i know!! imagine what he could do with new ears...

ears are really complicated. they come in multiple variations and sizes... big, small, pointy, smooth, attached earlobes, dangling earlobes, pierced, chained, hairy, smooth, functional, non-functional, etc. and they have this bizarre system of transmitting vibrations into recognizable sound bites *with some help of the brain* so maybe 'new ear' needs 'new brain' to enable it to work to its potential...

because the brain is more than thoughts... it is actions, memories, plans, directives, senses, and on and on and on! it is so much bigger than the three pounds of mostly water that we imagine soaking up information within our hair-covered skulls. if your new brain adopted a Christ-centered approach to actions, memories, plans, directives, senses, etc with your new ear in-tune with God's Spirit, what would happen in your life? and the lives of those around you?

forget the pay it forward theory, this one would change the world!!!

okay, so where did this all come from? we are taking a class this semester that is challenging us to relate concepts of brain and mind and the influences each has on the other. as part of the class, we are required to keep a blog on our thoughts. if you would like to follow the spider-web of my thoughts, you are more than welcome to do so here. it may be fun :)

my posts here will not be as frequent, but i will do my best to keep you all on your toes...

clothes to fold, kitchen to clean, assignments to do... oh the joys of life!!

i hope you are all having a marvelous start to the new year... i challenge you do adopt the "new ear, new brain" theory this year... see what happens~