your real life

at the request of my dear family and friends, i am returning to life here in the blog world... i guess it is for me mostly (if i am going to be honest with everyone) i have a list of things that i need to move from brain waves to thoughts, then to letters, then to words, and on to phrases- things that are weighing heavily on me right now- things that are best thought about when translated into the 2 dimensional realm where the spinning/flipping/contorting charade of abstraction and over-inspection is all but destroyed... that is what needs to happen- are you ready? am i ready?

uhm, not quite... i just finished my last diet mountain dew for a while (i realized the other day after drinking maybe seven cans that i had a problem... the best way to solve this problem for me is quitting cold turkey... i already have a headache!) i also just got home from my last exam of 2009 (PTL hallelujarh) and need to go put on something that is not 'professional' aka SWEATPANTS!

oh, it is so refreshing to be in an elastic waistband :) why is that you think?

you know what else is refreshing-- a long, hot shower. i decided to purchase a new shower head for my master bathroom that isn't really mine :) the one i was using had been there for five years and had a little discoloration oozing from its pores... that and there was something i read about shower heads made in the last two years are somehow green in that they diminish the amount of water needed to shower... i don't know... i was just trying to avoid cleaning the shower head i suppose... anyway, i went to some hardware store and came out with a new piece of hardware!

*sidetrack... you know how girls stereotypically choose sports teams based on color schemes and uniform design? well, i am not that girl. i like the teams that i am supposed to like... tarheels, panthers, hurricanes, hornets, braves/orioles... with the exception of the cincinnati bengals (i like their helmets... and uniforms... and carson palmer) and the oregon ducks (i like their green/yellow/black color scheme... and their mascot... and their uniforms with the cool dot pattern over the shoulder pads) but, yeah... i pull for talent and smart play calling and smart play making... not the jawbones, gluteal shape, or salaries of the athletes. sometimes it is all about the packaging and sometimes it is about the name. neither one of those things really apply to this story in a direct fashion, but there is a connection somewhere... let's get back on track*

so i walked out with a new and clean attachment to make my daily hygiene ritual more eco-friendly. i chose this particular model because it matched my bathroom and it boasted 8 possible settings to provide the maximum shower experience. they call it a spa head. who needs 8 settings for a shower? that thought didn't really pass through my mind until i was driving home... i bought a product based on wrapping and slogan and name... typical female... ugh. see, that is... well... that is like having 8 different pillows or 8 different air fresheners in your house just to provide variety (serious internal conflict going on... i can and do have disagreements with myself) but, back to the question of who needs 8 settings?!?!

apparently- i do :) i love that little shower head because it has 8 different settings... no, not really- let me explain.

at my parent's other house- the house of wisdom, reason, and spend-thriftiness- the three girls share the cutest little bathroom and shower. that shower head has 3 different settings- which is incredibly appropriate since there are three girls. my youngest sister likes the weak stream that feels like you are standing in the rain- you know the kind that barely makes it out of the faucet head: trickle, trickle, droooohooop. it works for her; she comes out clean. it doesn't work for me... at all... which is where my 8 options reappear!


i was thinking about this while showering the other day... how life is full of our preferences, personalization options, idealized settings to meet our individual criterion for comfort... think about it. what are you wearing right now? why? what is the color of the wrapping paper under your tree? why? when you drive in your car, why is there a completely different thermostat control for ever seat? why are your walls painted that color? *none of the answers really matter, it was just a thought*

while the water pounded on and around me, i played with those 8 settings. *i know you all wish you had the time to play with all the shower head options... you probably all wish you could still sleep in pink rollers and wake up like shirley temple on sunday mornings... or split your face into quadrants to decide which foundation matched your skin tone during this pale season... or reorganize your closet to make sure all of your shoes and clothes still fit in that space... i was procrastinating to avoid studying* i imagined each setting as its own color, its own flavor, its own texture, its own sound... i decided i liked my original setting the best- the one that felt like hurricane force rain pelting my body surface with is mystic, silvery blue beads which tasted like sunshine and ice mixed together with crispy freshness that almost burned. there was a level of intentionality and degree of purpose in that stream- something that was missing in the both of which were lacking in my other options.

i was thinking really hard about this, and i was trying to figure out why i was thinking so hard about this... you have any ideas?

i came to the conclusion that i was missing that degree of purpose and intentionality... i was stuck in a spa mode that i didn't like. it was a peaceful, yellow, serene stream of life that whispered "don't make a splash, don't rock the boat" and tasted like marshmallow creme... it wasn't what i wanted. i wasn't happy with my efforts to shower the world. i was blending in with the feel-good greens and want-to-be-happy reds... i was lost in the flowers and freshly baked pies... i was overwhelmed by quiet streams and chinese gong bells. my waters were mixing into the "make the world happy" soup bowl of self-serving, self-saving people and i had to get out.

there is always a fear of growing complacent. as i grow older, this fear becomes reality more quickly than it did when i was going places and dreaming dreams of ambitious youth. when is it that we realize that this is life- we have finally arrived to the place where the majority of our dreams have passed us by and those that didn't rush past, those that chose to take flight, have landed us here... a place where we may not feel completely satisfied- where we are both enthused and nauseated to settle and stay... so for a while we do plant our feet... until the urge to uproot is too strong to ignore. i guess that's where i am today. i suppose you can say i am ridding myself of the distaste that caused me to unknowingly settle in a land of yellow and marshmallow creme...

that may be the hardest thing about it all... unknowingly... subconsciously, if any consciousness is involved at all... that is how we arrive at complacency for the most part. you know?

in an effort to fight the risk for a life plagued by complacent periods, i am committing the entire third chapter of colossians to memory. you should read it the next time you get a chance. i really like the nlt version, but you can read whatever you have. the power of Word of God isn't dependent upon its version or binding!

i'm going to wrap it up now... this is entirely too long... the title of this post is "your real life" which is taken from colossians 3. paul describes a real life hidden with God in Christ... a real life that is completely different than regular life... a new nature that has replaced the grimy, unclean nature of old... a new nature that is consistently being renewed as we learn more about Christ! -i am going to have to get into this a little later-

it isn't about how clean you are on the outside or which stream of water pours over you... it is about intentionality and purpose and desire... it isn't about personal preferences or anal-retentive tendencies... it is about focus and a teachable attitude... it isn't always about you and what makes you comfortable [erin]... your life, your real life, is about something much, much larger and your regular life should reflect that!

quarterly update :)

no, i didn't die... physically *haha* i may have died in small pieces in various places among various times between last post and now, but i am in fact still alive *praise be to the Lord of all for that* the only way i can make up for this lengthy sabbatical of mine is to flood you with my brain's overflow while i chomp my way through an extra dark hershey's with pomegranate pieces--> oh yeah, this is so much better than reading through personality disorders :))

story time: i was slow-poking along the road one day in traffic. my eyes tend to wander when i drive... something about observant first child syndrome... anyway, they were drawn to a nearby pasture that was dissected by the gaudy power line skyscrapers. (know what i am talking about) i was stuck at a horrible angle... at least for a person with oh-cee-dee tendencies... the lines that defined the supporting structure were similar enough to show symmetry, but they competed against each other in the most annoying way. i really tried not to focus on them... to no avail... my eyes were set on this wreck ruining nature. they clashed and clanged with the skyline. i continued to inch along the road with my eyes flashing between the power lines and the brake lights in front of me. eventually, i got to the point that all lines disappeared behind what could have been a 2-d backdrop. my mind was set at ease... the shapes lined up and contained perfection :) i stared at it, amazed that what had been irking my nerves for 5-10 minutes now pleased my soul. it didn't last long- traffic picked up and i drove away... i watched the perfect lines intersect with opposing reason in my rear view, yet i was not overcome with the same uneasiness that greeted me with my first scan of the horizon that evening. from one view, it stood perfect... in complete harmony. i thought about it a couple days ago as i fell asleep-- i was stuck in the imperfect phase for so long when in reality there were four perfect images co-existing. maybe it doesn't make you think as much as it made me think these past three weeks or so, but i have done a lot of thinking... and this is my conclusion~

how many times do we catch each other during imperfect phases? have you ever seen someone in their perfect phase? what does that look like... when we display our perfect phases are we simply hiding our multiple imperfect sides? how awesome that God sees all of our phases but chooses to cherish our perfect phase :)

random question: when samuel heard God call his name, do you think His voice sounded like eli's? if so, why? if not, why did samuel think it was eli?

from the home front: my dog has become a supreme shedding factory... her hair is everywhere - she leaves a plume everywhere she goes. it is frustrating to say the least, especially when wearing black dress pants :) i was mad at her the other day for it *because it is obviously her fault... or i am taxed beyond my own limits... go with the latter* i found four white coarse hair sticking out of my computer last week. knowing she had not been on my computer, i realized something-- because i choose to pet her and lover her, her hairs love me and pet everything i touch. if the same were true of me and the light and salt of the earth that i am to be- if i "soiled" everything i touched with the light of Christ and the salt of His words, those who were brushed with Truth would have no choice but to continue to spread it, directly or indirectly. oh the lessons from "marbelle," as my mother calls her...

lessons from the last semester: i am currently 16 school days and 3 exam days away from clinical rotations... NO MORE CLASS!!! this is one of the lessons i have learned these past 85 months. when you continually fight to be strong, you run out of steam regardless of your fit-ness. that being said, however, you somehow always have the strength *or friends with superior strength* to pick yourself back up and tackle another tidal wave... because life is just another day at the beach, right?!?!

concluding word and song(s): as i strive to gain my place in this world, i can't really overcome the general principle that i am nothing. day by day, it never gets old... i hope it never does...

discarding my flash card lists

sunday was Lord's supper sunday. i struggled to approach the table with the appropriate mindset due to some lack of continuity of a worshipful service... it was almost like it had been tacked on at the end, just another thing to be checked off... it made me frustrated (and disappointed) at the time, but i have reflected on it since then and come to a mighty close-to-home conclusion: those of us who make lists (whether tangible or mental, i am a combination of both) have the tendency to work our way through infamous to-do lists. our routines are rigid to the point of disconcerted affects should we be forced to deviate from our plans. we like to see the checked boxes and will go out of our way to achieve our full day; in the same manner, we are put-out by multiple unchecked boxes and find ourselves unable to attain proper rest until the list is completed... sunday appeared to be a check in the box of proper Lord's supper service constituents for me. it was not a worshipful act; it was not regarded as sacred; it was not what i wanted and needed it to be even though it was checked off for the quarter...

it isn't enough to show up at the end of the day with a completed to-do list... it isn't enough to hold up 28470 lists of varying lengths and components during a funeral service... it isn't enough...

as i sat and prayed for God to prepare me to actively participate in this act of worship, the "isn't enough" concept flooded me... not the to-do list, not the checks vs unchecks... the "isn't enough" is what called me out... so yes, as i prayed in preparation these words overwhelmed my spirit--

heal my heart and make it clear
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You have loved me
break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything i am for Your kingdom's cause
as i walk from nothing into eternity

-- not your typical communion song... especially for organ-loving, all-verse singing, fellowshipping southern baptists :) and yet it is in so many ways! here is the whole song...

i abandon my to-do list when i adopt these words as my purpose. i am more available for spontaneous demonstrations of God's love, more in-tune with His Spirit, more willing to act as the hands and feet of my Savior... you know what i mean?

i pray that these words will continue to sing out from my heart in the coming days, months, years, and decades... it is one of those prayers that i could pray all day long :)

... and a song i can sing all eternity long!!! ~hosanna in the highest~